Sprung Spring

This week (actually it is 3 weeks now) I have mostly been trying to cope with some odd things that are as the tourist office rightly points out are "Uniquely Singapore". Perhaps it is the onset of Spring, which is something I knew only because the shops told me to buy some Spring fashions. This means the long hot winter is over and we are heading into a long hot Spring, woohoo.
Our cleaner is a bit of fruit loop, we share her with several friends here and the cleaner pimp who introduced her to us all is a keen collector of Asian art. It turns out the very impressive and lifelike picture of a proud old man is putting a curse on our cleaner, so now she can no longer clean his house. She couldn't tell him herself, we had to break the news to him and the sympathetic souls that we are thought we should move the painting around to each of the houses she cleans just to really freak her out. Shouldn't have come of too much of a surprise to us though, earlier this year when I asked her how her Christmas was she told me it was bad because her friend put a hex on her and her bag got stolen and her face kept swelling up and stuff and it was costing her a fortune in exorcisms.
I finally braved the Tampines Hans eatery that has previously been my nemisis in the past by carefully placing excessive amount of cucumbers on toasted sandwiches. I had to meet this dickhead from work there for a casual meeting and asked for a toated sandwich sans the stinking Beelzebub's Bellend, and they pushed a button on the till that said No Cucumber. Why the bloody hell didn't they do this for me last time I asked for it.
Anyway this dickhead turns up for the meeting and for a moment I forgot he was a brylcreemed, hair dying, crap waffling, old dinosaur that I normally wouldn't give a whiff of my best fart to. The reason for this new found respect was the fact he obviously didn't like cucumber either. The respect was short lived however, I only found he didn't like cucumber because he coughed it up like a cat coughs up a fur ball, twice.
Things only got worse as he proceeded in an obvious attempt at trying to impress me with how cool he was, that if we didn't do things his way he would get his "Arse Butt Kicked." It was around that time I began astral travelling thinking it would be great comedy moment to just lean over and slap him in the face and tell him to shut up.
Maybe next time, actually I probably won't because I don't plan meeting him outside of the office again. But I do take great delight when ever I am in a meeting with him in getting to the room 5 minutes earlier hiding the whiteboard pens. He can't make it through a meeting without drawing on the board, which is just too irritating for someone that I already want to punch. Apparently he now carries a set of pens on him to each meeting, which is a juvenile yet somehow rewarding victory.