Four Floors

This week I have mostly been entertaining visitors, 3 in a week has seen the alcohol index move from steady to relentless leaving my liver a pickled and angry little piece of offal. Unfortunately this has also involved tequila on a fairly regular basis and including a foolish decision to drink margaritas until the Café Iguana bar closed last Monday night. Tequila inspired hangovers on a Tuesday are not good at the best of times; they seem to be worse in 30° heat out in the Singapore heartlands. I’ve now officially given up trying to sort out a hangover breakfast so suffered in grumpy silence for most of the day.
Tequila is also responsible for making me go to Orchard Towers with one of my visitors. Or at least that is my explanation; colloquially know as the four floors of ladies of ill repute that rhyme with floors this place is in fact four floors of seedy bars. These seedy bars attract some dubious people including some very friendly ladies, some of which have very large adams apples and big hands.
It is an odd coincidence that seedy bars with friendly ladies seem to attract large sweaty blokes and I felt obliged to adopt a large sweaty name so decided I would like to be known as Stan (Apologies to any svelte and non sweaty Stans out there).  There was no fooling the locals, the name was obviously not sweaty enough and failed to attract much attention except for a lady with an unsightly bulge in her frock and the biggest head and hands I have ever seen.
I was heartened to discover during a rare lucid moment this week that the Singapore Navy has tomcat missiles. Can’t say I really wanted to know that but the poster in the train told me all about them. Apparently they can fly very close to the water for a range of 90km, which makes me kind of glad I didn’t bring my kayak over. I never thought of a missile having best things but, apparently they do and the best thing about these missiles is that I can sleep easy knowing Singapore was safe from attack.
But it did get me thinking, I hope they check the guns to see if they’re loaded before they clean them and then I wondered what they would hit if it did go off. Well it turns out they could hit large chunks of Malaysia, Sumatra and a couple of Indonesian islands. Nice work. But if you could of all that damage without having to even travel to it why bother with a navy just give everyone a Tomcat Missile launcher for home and do away with National Service. I would make such a sensible prime minister.